The truth about tofu dogs

Who do the makers of tofu dogs think they're fooling? Just because it's shaped like a hot dog doesn't mean it's going to taste like a hot dog. Now, I like tofu, I really do. I put it in stuff I'm eating all the time - always have. I also love hot dogs. I mean, I love hot dogs. I've even dated a hot dog vendor - cute guy, sold hot dogs on the street corner up in Maine. There's something we don't have in the south - street dogs. I miss being able to walk a block or two and get a dog with the works. Don't miss the guy I dated, though. Good hot dogs, bad boyfriend. Boothbay Harbor has some excellent street dogs, though. So does New York, so long as you know which ones are good. Some of those guys ... I'm not even sure what kind of meat they're selling. My favorite hot dogs come in a steamed frankfurter bun. Not a hot dog roll - there's a difference. Again, it's a north/south thing. The frankfurter bun is slit into the top, not on the side. Much better for holding the mustard, onions, sauerkraut and the like. Plus, the bread is softer - kind of like Bunny bread. Another thing Maine has is the bright red hot dogs. Come to think of it, I also dated a guy who sold the red ones. He sold them at his father's ice cream store... He used to give them to me for free and we'd hang out selling ice cream and eating red hot dogs. There's just something about the red ones ... they snap and pop when you bite into them. Mmmmm. They'll stain everything you touch, though. You didn't know I was such a hot dog connoisseur, did you? It runs in my family - my grandfather had a hot dog cookbook - an entire book devoted to meals you could make with hot dogs. When he died, it naturally came to me. And yes, I do know what they put in them - blood clots and hair and lips and ears and a**es and the like. I don't care, I really don't. Perhaps this is part of my problem - I don't care what's in a food so long as I like the taste of it. But I'm trying - here's where the tofu dogs come in.

I saw on a tv show - I think it was "The Biggest Loser" - a tip about getting soy via tofu dogs and burgers. So, I dutifully went out and bought tofu dogs. Even slathered with mustard and onions and relish, they don't taste anything like a hot dog! I'm thinking about suing for libel on behalf of the hot dog industry. Not that they don't taste good - I don't mind the taste at all. But it ain't hot dogs. I was thinking I might be able to slide one past my picky eater, but he's picky, he's not an idiot. I will keep eating the tofu dogs - they're SOOOOOO much healthier than a hot dog. But please, tofu guys, please don't insult my intelligence by calling them "dogs."